Recently a friend asked me how she could do a better job getting her three active boys to behave in the car. She described the family’s last car trip. They were hurrying to a church meeting on a school night, but the boys (ages 4 to 10) kept fighting and arguing loudly while she and her husband tried to talk. Finally she lost her temper., which made her husband upset, and there they were, in a family meltdown.
In my last post I wrote about the three basic words to remember in discipline: Expectations, Consequences, and Consistency. As parents we need to clearly communicate our expectations AND consequences for misbehavior. Then we need to be really consistent in following through on what we said. And I described how to use those three concepts for training kids to clean house.
Sounds simple, but the concepts need to be used with wisdom and grace. For one thing, no matter how clearly we communicate our expectations, our children can’t meet them if the expectations are unrealistic. The truth is, my friend has extremely active boys. After the two older ones were cooped up in a school classroom all day and then did their homework, having to be cooped up and restrained in the car for a ride to church felt like Too Much. Maybe it wasn’t, but it felt like it.
Her boys do need to behave better, but they also need a little help. Separating them could be a start. The 10-year-old could sit up front with Dad, and Mom could sit in back with the two younger ones. If the three boys occupy themselves reasonably well playing with their toys, Mom and Dad can carry on some semblance of an adult level conversation. But if the boys are restless, I recommend singing.
Singing is a powerful gift of God for parents. Singing can calm the atmosphere. It can help families move enjoyably through frustrating transition times like bedtime, or driving in the car, or moving from play time to pick up time to bath time. And it can help the family change their focus – from irritation to laughter, from frustration to comfort, from anxiety to praise.
Some of the sweetest memories of my childhood involve singing. The sound of Mom warbling gospel songs around the house as she did the housework formed a comforting backdrop to the day’s routine, and somehow the lullabies she crooned to the baby calmed me along with the little guy. When Daddy sang a love song glancing sidelong at Mom, I felt at peace. My parents loved each other, and the overflow of their affection secured my world.
Our family used to sing in the car a lot, whiling away the tedium of travel with silly ditties, folk ballads, rounds, hymns and nursery rhymes. The old jokes in those songs we sang still tickle me today, and the words of my parents’ favorite hymns grow deeper in meaning for me as each year passes.
Here are a few activities that can enrich your family life with the simple grace of song:
- Practice singing. Sing all the songs you know. Sing in the shower, sing as you do chores around the house, and sing along with CDs of singers you like, trying to match their tones. Buy CDs of children’s songs, then them sing along with your children while working at home or driving in the car. You don’t have to be a professional singer or “have a good voice” to teach your children to sing.
- Sing a few favorites when you put your children to bed. Somehow singing makes the bedtime routine go smoother and sleep come easier.
- Make up songs. This is a lot easier than it sounds. You just take a simple, familiar melody like “Are You Sleeping?” and put words to it like this: I love Michael, I love Michael/Yes I do, yes I do/Hug him in the morning/Hug him in the evening/Tickle him, too, tickle him, too.
This is no best seller, but preschoolers named Michael will love it—especially with real hugs and tickles added. Small children feel special when you sing a song with their name in it.
- Sing commands (instead of snapping them out). I once read about a mother of many children who sang out orders like “Stop teasing your sister!” to a familiar melody, like “Pop! Goes the Weasel!” I wish I’d read that idea when my kids were young! It gentles the demand and takes the sting out of a public rebuke.
- Remember that singing eases the stress of transitions. Bedtime is a transition. Driving from one place to another is a transition. Having to stop one activity (playing with toys) to do another (put toys away before bedtime) is a transition. Preschoolers will be more willing to transition from one activity (playing with toys) to another (put toys away and go to bed) if you start putting the toys away while singing an appropriate ditty: (example: “Tick tock goes the clock,/time to put the toys away/ tick tock goes the clock/ now it’s time for bed!” to the tune of “Row, Row, Row Your Boat”)
- If you play an instrument, haul it out and learn to play the melodies that your children like.
- Bring along a songbook on long trips. One memorable vacation our family memorized all 10 verses to “The Frozen Logger” and we still love singing it today.
- Share your family’s heritage of faith by memorizing the words to hymns and spiritual songs. Sing them through the day, at bedtime, and driving along the highway. Then when you are worried or upset, you can change your mental focus by singing these songs and thinking about the words. You’ll feel better, and your children will benefit from the change in atmosphere.
Songs help nurture children in the midst of necessary discipline. Family life goes better with music – not just passively listening to it, but actively participating in it.
© Becky Cerling Powers 2010 Print with attribution only
Becky is the author of a new book, Laura’s Children: the Hidden Story of a Chinese Orphanage. Check it out at www.chcpub.com
