On Sundays… Keep in mind throughout the week that unless you set aside many other demands, you will inevitably neglect your children’s deep need for your focused attention.

On Mondays… Don’t forget that children need to be physically close to their parents all their lives, not just when they are babies. Cuddling and rough-house play says love to small children. A touch on the shoulder sends love signals to a teen. And everyone needs hugs every day.

On Tuesdays… Remember that you can provide a good foundation for continuing communication in the family if you keep reading aloud as a family activity even after your children can read themselves. Reading good books as a family does more than help children in school. It establishes bonds of shared adventure and experience. It leads naturally to talks about ideas, hopes, feelings, worries, dreams and all the stuff of friendship.

On Wednesdays… Teach children to say “Pardon me” in a humble tone when they bump into someone or realize they have interrupted or caused a disturbance. Be a good example and use the same good manners with them.

On Thursdays… Check your attitude when you train children to clean their rooms or do chores. If you complain and scold while working, you discourage your children and sap their energy. Your approach to chore training teaches children attitudes toward work in general. A positive attitude can teach them that messes are a part of life, and the best thing to do with a mess is to deal with it efficiently and then move on.

On Fridays… Be aware that children do better when you tell them what to expect. So before explain beforehand how you expect your children to behave in a store, or how you expect them to treat other children as guests in their home. If you forget to explain before hand, and your children are disappointing you, then call them aside and explain what you expect of them in private.

On Saturdays… Remember this prayer for the month: Lord, give me the wisdom to recognize when our family is having a problem, the honesty to admit it, the courage to face it, and the perseverance to deal with it. Amen.

If he had chores to do, he cracked jokes and talked to us while we worked along side him. If he had time for a break, he played with us. Outdoors it was basketball, baseball, touch football, badminton, sledding, snowball fights or wrestling. Indoors it was table tennis, card games, board games or musical jam sessions.

Although Dad was our favorite playmate, he never confused being a father with being a pal. He was the authority, holding us to a high standard of behavior. When we misbehaved, the fun ended. A one-sentence rebuke from Dad seemed worse to us than a spanking.

Dad tried to include us in whatever he loved in life. He loved music, so when we were driving in the car, he taught us songs and sang with us. He loved God, so he told us Bible stories and brought us with him and Mom to church. He loved learning, so he took us to museums and exhibits. He loved sports, so he took us to see games and played sports with us, helping us work on skills like batting and shooting baskets.

Although Dad could be fiercely competitive when playing with adults, when he played with children, the challenge for him changed from winning to figuring out the best way to teach the game.

He was a genius at adjusting rules to games so each child could learn to play well at his or her level of development. We used to play touch football games that included everybody who wanted to play, from my teen-age brother and his friends to our 3-year-old brother Lee.

To entice the teens to play touch football with a baby on their side, Dad decreed that any time Lee’s team managed to get the ball into his hands, Lee got an automatic touchdown. That rule transformed Lee from a team nuisance to a team asset, and it motivated his team to encourage him. As Lee’s skills improved, Dad kept adjusting the rules to keep the game a challenge for him and fun for everyone else, too.

Looking back, I wonder how Dad spent so much time with the six of us kids. He worked with Grandpa in a family construction business — far more than a 40-hour-a-week job. And he was active in church and community organizations.

Dad made a conscious effort to spend his recreational time with his children. That choice paid off in the warm relationships he maintains with them today.

Worth repeating: The Bible says, “As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust” (Psalm 103:13-14 NIV).

Today’s prayer: “Thank You for having compassion on me like a good father with his children. Help me to experience that compassion today. Amen.”

On Sundays…Keep in mind that rules without a loving relationship breed rebellion.

On Mondays… Remember to look directly into your children’s  eyes when you encourage, compliment, or give “I love you” messages. Many parents unconsciously recognize the power of direct eye contact during negative encounters with their children. “Look at me,” they say before beginning to scold or give instructions. This is OK as long as parents use direct eye contact for positive encounters as well. Otherwise, children will begin to avoid making eye contact, which will hurt their ability to relate to others.

On Tuesdays… Don’t quit reading aloud to older children who can read independently. The books you read to them will build their vocabulary and enjoyment of literature. So read a chapter or two of a longer book aloud every night, and take a rousing adventure along on a family camping trip.

On Wednesdays…Keep in mind that a parent’s attitude is the most important factor in giving minor first aid. You need to be matter of fact about the pain without dismissing it. By providing a bit of warm nurturing along with a calm approach, you help children develop calmness and patience toward life’s inevitable emergencies. Warm soapy water, kisses and bandages are the standard, tried and true remedy for minor cuts and scrapes.

On Thursdays… When children do poorly on chores, “Criticize the job, not the worker,” says organization expert Bonnie McCullough.

On Fridays… Remember that perfectionism destroys creativity. So be generous with supplies and matter of fact about mistakes. For example, never restrict a child to one piece of paper. Children need to make many drawings at one sitting to improve their skills. Having to produce perfection on the first piece of paper blocks creativity.

On Saturdays…Keep in mind that children’s spiritual needs may sometimes be difficult for adults to recognize because they are so intertwined with youngsters’ physical and emotional needs. So be sensitive to the possibility that your child’s distress may be spiritual, but that he or she may not know helpful words to express the need.

In my last post I wrote about the three basic words to remember in discipline: Expectations, Consequences, and Consistency. As parents we need to clearly communicate our expectations AND consequences for misbehavior. Then we need to be really consistent in following through on what we said. And I described how to use those three concepts for training kids to clean house.

Sounds simple, but the concepts need to be used with wisdom and grace. For one thing, no matter how clearly we communicate our expectations, our children can’t meet them if the expectations are unrealistic. The truth is, my friend has extremely active boys. After the two older ones were cooped up in a school classroom all day and then did their homework, having to be cooped up and restrained in the car for a ride to church felt like Too Much. Maybe it wasn’t, but it felt like it.

Her boys do need to behave better, but they also need a little help. Separating them could be a start. The 10-year-old could sit up front with Dad, and Mom could sit in back with the two younger ones. If the three boys occupy themselves reasonably well playing with their toys, Mom and Dad can carry on some semblance of an adult level conversation. But if the boys are restless, I recommend singing.

Singing is a powerful gift of God for parents. Singing can calm the atmosphere. It can help families move enjoyably through frustrating transition times like bedtime, or driving in the car, or moving from play time to pick up time to bath time. And it can help the family change their focus – from irritation to laughter, from frustration to comfort, from anxiety to praise.

Some of the sweetest memories of my childhood involve singing. The sound of Mom warbling gospel songs around the house as she did the housework formed a comforting backdrop to the day’s routine, and somehow the lullabies she crooned to the baby calmed me along with the little guy. When Daddy sang a love song glancing sidelong at Mom, I felt at peace. My parents loved each other, and the overflow of their affection secured my world.

Our family used to sing in the car a lot, whiling away the tedium of travel with silly ditties, folk ballads, rounds, hymns and nursery rhymes. The old jokes in those songs we sang still tickle me today, and the words of my parents’ favorite hymns grow deeper in meaning for me as each year passes.

Here are a few activities that can enrich your family life with the simple grace of song:

• Practice singing. Sing all the songs you know. Sing in the shower, sing as you do chores around the house, and sing along with CDs of singers you like, trying to match their tones.  Buy CDs of children’s songs, then them sing along with your children while working at home or driving in the car. You don’t have to be a professional singer or “have a good voice” to teach your children to sing.
• Sing a few favorites when you put your children to bed. Somehow singing makes the bedtime routine go smoother and sleep come easier.
• Make up songs. This is a lot easier than it sounds. You just take a simple, familiar melody like “Are You Sleeping?” and put words to it like this: I love Michael, I love Michael/Yes I do, yes I do/Hug him in the morning/Hug him in the evening/Tickle him, too, tickle him, too.

This is no best seller, but preschoolers named Michael will love it—especially with real hugs and tickles added. Small children feel special when you sing a song with their name in it.

• Sing commands (instead of snapping them out). I once read about a mother of many children who sang out orders like “Stop teasing your sister!” to a familiar melody, like “Pop! Goes the Weasel!” I wish I’d read that idea when my kids were young! It gentles the demand and takes the sting out of a public rebuke.
• Remember that singing eases the stress of transitions. Bedtime is a transition. Driving from one place to another is a transition. Having to stop one activity (playing with toys) to do another (put toys away before bedtime) is a transition. Preschoolers will be more willing to transition from one activity (playing with toys) to another (put toys away and go to bed) if you start putting the toys away while singing an appropriate ditty: (example: “Tick tock goes the clock,/time to put the toys away/ tick tock goes the clock/ now it’s time for bed!” to the tune of “Row, Row, Row Your Boat”)
• If you play an instrument, haul it out and learn to play the melodies that your children like.
• Bring along a songbook on long trips. One memorable vacation our family memorized all 10 verses to “The Frozen Logger” and we still love singing it today.
• Share your family’s heritage of faith by memorizing the words to hymns and spiritual songs. Sing them through the day, at bedtime, and driving along the highway. Then when you are worried or upset, you can change your mental focus by singing these songs and thinking about the words. You’ll feel better, and your children will benefit from the change in atmosphere.

Songs help nurture children in the midst of necessary discipline. Family life goes better with music – not just passively listening to it, but actively participating in it.

© Becky Cerling Powers 2010  Print with attribution only

Becky is the author of a new book, Laura’s Children: the Hidden Story of a Chinese Orphanage. Check it out at www.chcpub.com

When parents take the trouble to teach children good work habits, skills and attitudes when they are young, it really pays off when they get older. Summer vacation is a good time to teach school age children the basics of those house cleaning chores they will need to handle all their lives.

Some tips:

Decide which tasks your child can reasonably be expected to master over the summer, and work out a reward system for learning to do them. This system should include a major, long term reward, such as a special outing or purchase, as well as smaller, intermediate rewards, such as points or payment for work accomplished. These smaller rewards help children see their progress, encouraging them to keep trying.

Most children need both a carrot and a stick. The reward is the carrot. The stick is a consequence that is uncomfortable enough that the child will prefer to avoid it. A simple consequence might be: you must stay in this room until you have completed your work; you may not play outside or in the house until the job has been approved.

On a card write down each step in the correct order needed to accomplish the job. Example: “The bathroom is done when 1) the mirror is cleaned, 2) the vanity is straightened and wiped clean, 3) the sink is scrubbed…and so on.” (Remember always to list “Put away cleaning supplies” as the last step. Otherwise children will leave supplies out.)

For easy reference, place the direction card permanently in the area to be cleaned. The bathroom card can be taped inside the medicine cabinet, for example.

Demonstrate each step and then ask your child to do the work while you watch. Be sure to show your child how to use the direction card as a checklist, too. This is essential for consistent results. And don’t forget the reward. Depending on the age and ability of your child, you may need to work together in this way several times before allowing a solo performance.

When he appears ready, ask him to do the job alone. When he says he is finished, inspect his work with him. Read the direction card aloud, checking how he did each listed task.

Chances are, he will have neglected to use the card as a checklist and tried to rely on his memory. If so, stand around patiently while he finishes the steps he skipped, and be sure to praise him for each task he does right. This independent work stage receives an extra reward (more points or more money).

Be patient with this process. Children don’t see dirt without training or learn to use a checklist without practice. You will frustrate yourself and discourage your child if you expect adult behavior or immediate professional results from a beginner.

Training children to do chores involves three parenting principles that are the same for effectively training children in every area of life:

First, clear expectations. In this training method, the direction cards provide clear expectations children can refer back to each time they attempt the task.

Second, definite consequences, negative and positive: the carrot and the stick.

Third, consistent follow up. Be sure to check the job and follow through, making sure the reward is given or the negative consequence happens.

When training is haphazard, with chores expected one week and ignored the next, children balk. They accept chores more willingly when parents communicate their expectations clearly, give plenty of praise, discipline rebellion, and behave as if chores are a given of life.

You want your child to think, “The sun rises every morning in the east, and I clean the bathroom every Saturday.”

© 1995 Becky Cerling Powers   Print with attribution only

Originally published in the El Paso Times

On Sundays…don’t forget that quality time with children usually occurs as an unplanned, happy gift. Most consistently it happens in the context of a relaxed atmosphere and LOTS of time.

On Mondays… remember to avoid attacking children when they need correction. You can train yourself to focus on children’s behavior (“Your dirty clothes are on the bathroom floor”) instead of making personal attacks (“You never pick up your dirty clothes. Blah blah blah.”)

On Tuesdays… keep in mind that children’s education is primarily the responsibility of their parents. Schools exist to help parents with the job. Children do best in school when parents and school staff work together as partners.

On Wednesdays…be aware that an allergic child will be less apt to rebel against his special diet if he knows everyone in the family is going to work on helping him feel better. So enlist the family’s help. Separately explain to your other children that helping sick people in the family get well is part of ordinary family love. Then describe how they can help, ask for their suggestions, and emphasize that the cook needs encouragement.

On Thursdays… Make an inventory of each of your children’s special likes and interests. Then use your lists to come up with ideas for individualized incentives to help them establish good work habits doing their chores.

On Fridays… remember that your neighborhood will look nicer if you take a trash bag along with you and fill it as you go whenever you take a walk. Doing this as a family activity will help children develop a sense of their responsibility to their community.

On Saturdays… If you do not attend church or synagogue, it’s a good idea to begin before your children start asking spiritual questions so you will be better prepared to meet their spiritual needs. However, if your children are teens, it’s still not too late to start. In any case, participating in a strong community of faith provides important support to help families grow and marriages flourish.

© Becky Cerling Powers 2002  Publish with Attribution Only www.beckycerlingpowers.wordpress.com

I remember one day when I woke up in a crack house with the electricity turned off and people crashed out everywhere and wondered how I got there.  How in my journey through life, with all the talents I had, with all of the community support and all of the family love I had, how I could be at this place and think that it was normal?

Throughout my childhood, I was raised in a solid Christian household and blessed with a wonderful family, even with the shortcomings of my stepfather. My own father died of a heart attack when I was four and the youngest of five children. My mother married a few years later, but unfortunately my stepfather’s ex-wife came back to him behind the scenes, and I lost my stepfather to divorce.

Still, with the strength of my mom, we made it through. I had wonderful teachers who helped me graduate with honors from Eastwood High School. I had wonderful coaches who helped me become all-city in swimming for three years straight. And I had wonderful youth directors in church and Young Life who helped me grow in the Lord. 

I left for Texas Tech in 1981 and moved out of the structured, disciplined environment where I thrived. I no longer had a coach for a daily training program. I didn’t have professors that cared about my grades and attendance. I had no youth director that I was spiritually accountable to. It was a gradual thing, but once I got unplugged, my batteries only lasted so long.

I met a beautiful co-ed. We drank, we got into drugs, we dropped out of college together and we had an abortion together. When that relationship ended, I moved from Lubbock to California to start over. But unfortunately I moved out there with myself. Everything that brought me down at Texas Tech followed me to California. I met a lovely lady out there. We drank and did drugs, but this lady decided to keep the baby.

I ended up moving to Austin, Texas and spent the next nine years drinking and drugging myself, moving from job to job and woman to woman. In November of 1998 I finally checked into a 30-day secular rehab program. They taught me everything I ever wanted to know about drugs and addictions and introduced me to their “Higher Power.” But they wouldn’t let me have a Bible because it was a government-funded program.

I graduated from rehab and moved into a transition home. My suite mate was Chris, a close friend from rehab. He was a smart, sharp-looking 21-year-old kid who had gotten strung out on crack. That January I found his corpse in his room, hanging from an exposed pipe by his twisted bed sheets.  His suicide note told of his dark journey back into addiction and said that he was handling it the only way he knew how. That experience shocked me out of my sobriety. I didn’t see any more hope.

It took me another ten years to hit bottom and realize it was Teen Challenge (a Christian rehab ministry) or the streets. My mother had been pushing Teen Challenge at me forever, but she is in the recovery ministry and I was embarrassed about myself for her. Here she was trying to help others get sober, and yet her own son was an addict. I didn’t realize that she had turned me over into God’s hands a long time ago.

Teen Challenge in El Paso helped me develop a one-on-one relationship with Jesus Christ. Finally I had restoration. I know that I’ve been forgiven, although that doesn’t mean God has removed the consequences of all my poor choices. The most important part of my recovery is letting God use me to help give back to others what he has given back to me. Celebrate Recovery has given me a Band of Brothers, connected and accountable to each other.

Worth repeating: “Happy are those who know they are spiritually poor.” (Matt 5:3)

Today’s prayer: Jesus, I admit that I am powerless over my habits, hurts, and hang-ups. I turn my life and will over to you. Please show me the next step. Amen.

publish with attribution only: www.beckycerlingpowers.wordpress.com

So I took Matt to the ENT, who examined him and said, “He needs a tonsillectomy. His tonsils are constantly swollen, and they are blocking his Eustachian tubes.” So we scheduled the surgery.

I’d had a tonsillectomy myself when I was six, so I knew Matt would be in a lot of pain. He really wanted cowboy boots, so we went out and bought him a pair to give him a happy distraction after his surgery. Then came the tonsillectomy, and a whole mountain of cowboy boots could not have distracted our little boy from the pain he felt. For two weeks I sat rocking Matt in the rocking chair, getting up, it felt like, only to go to the bathroom and feed the rest of the family.

But at last the pain ended. Matt wore his new cowboy boots everywhere except in bed and the bathtub. The ear infections vanished. He suffered only one more infection, a few years later, that was all. The tonsillectomy cured him.

Food for thought: To me, Matt’s experience gives a picture of God’s healing, not only His physical healing, but His emotional and spiritual healing, too.

Matt kept getting sick in the same way, over and over, so finally we took him to a specialist. Matt’s ears hurt, so logically we expected the specialist to operate on his ears. Even the pediatrician thought the specialist would do that. But instead the specialist said, “The part needing an operation is his throat.”

God is our specialist above all specialists. He created us. He knows how we are made far better than any human doctor. When we come to Him with our pain, our disability, our out-of-control condition, it is foolish to assume that we know more than He does and insist that He do the healing our way. We need to trust Him to begin the healing process where He thinks it should begin.

Matt’s healing required an operation. After the operation, he experienced more pain than he had ever experienced with any previous ear infection. Besides that, he was in pain for what seemed like a long time to him. But going through that greater pain cured his ear infections and saved his hearing.

When we come to God for healing, we want instant pain relief. But profound healing often involves pain. We need to trust God through the process.

Worth repeating: O LORD my God, I called to you for help and you healed me. (Psalm 30:2)

Prayer: O Lord my God, I am calling to you for help. I am willing to let you begin the healing process wherever you want. Please heal me and help me through the healing process. Amen.

publish with attribution only: www.beckycerlingpowers.wordpress.com

The first time Manny walked into my classroom, I knew immediately that I had a huge problem on my hands. He came into my life during the 1980s when I taught a special fifth grade class for underachievers who had failed standardized testing. My task was to bring them up to passing level. My students had normal intelligence but struggled in school because of emotional and other problems or a poor grasp of English.

The school was located in a deteriorating neighborhood in central El Paso, and Manny came from a family embroiled in drugs and alcohol. His older brothers were in a gang, and Manny was attracted to gang life. He used to write gang signs on his papers and on his hands.

He was a nice looking guy with a personality that drew people to him. He was two years older than the other children in the class, so he was much bigger and stronger than the other little boys. They were enamored with him. Whatever he did, they wanted to do. Those little boys were watching him all the time. They weren’t bad boys, just normal messy little boys who were on that cutting edge of making a decision whether or not they would join a gang.

Manny didn’t want to do his work, and his behavior was always worse after lunch. He would put his head on his desk and refuse to do anything. I felt like I was on a tightrope. I had to work with this class, but I couldn’t afford to get Manny against me because the other ones would join. That’s why I had to pray so much. When Manny was belligerent and combative, I had to stay on his side to keep the class on my side – yet still accomplish the work. That balancing act took God.

My principal was supportive when I talked to her. She took Manny out of class to talk to him, and the counselor took him out for ice cream after lunch to help with the after-lunch problem. But then the other little boys wanted to have ice cream, too. In that school system, the principal and counselor talked to the parents and the child, but the teacher wasn’t called in to participate in any discussions.

I wrote in my diary: “This young man needs help. If someone doesn’t intervene, he is on his way to much worse things. I can’t help him. I don’t have any control over anything.”

Manny moved on to sixth grade, and years later I heard that he was in jail.

Then about three years ago while I was praying in a meeting, two men came into the prayer room. One of them was a man who had a half-way house ministry for men coming out of prison. I thought the other was Manny. The group began a time of sharing, and the half-way house minister said to me, “Manuel wants me to tell you that he knows you.” And Manny said, “You were my teacher.”

The group prayed for Manny, and I prayed individually for him. I asked him to forgive me for anything I might have done to hurt him. It was such a big surprise to me that after all these years he would come back across my path, that he was getting Christian teaching and that I would have the chance individually to pray for him.

I only attend that particular prayer group now and then, so the odds of that meeting were phenomenal. The odds of that meeting could only be God. We should be in awe of God all the time. He is always working. Sometimes we think we have faith, but it takes something like that to remind us that He is faithful.

Lamentations 3:22-23 Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

Today’s prayer: O Lord, open my eyes to recognize Your faithfulness. And open my lips to praise You for all that You show me. Amen.

On Mondays… Remember that children need lots of warm approval. So try to express your appreciation not only when they do a super job, but also during their awful stages when they do only passably well after being told what to do.

On Tuesdays… Be sure to encourage your children in their efforts in school. Show an interest in their schoolwork and hobbies. Listen to and talk with them. Praise their work and display it.

On Wednesdays… Let your children snack on the salad you plan to serve for supper if they are ravenous during meal preparation. Or else put out a big plate of fruit slices or raw vegetables—carrot and celery sticks, broccoli, cauliflower, green pepper, etc. This will take the edge off their appetites with one of the most nutritious parts of the meal.

On Thursdays… Remember that an allowance is a good tool for teaching children age 9 and older to save and to budget money for different purposes. Children under age 8 or 9 may not have the patience yet to save money or the emotional readiness to make the kinds of decisions required for a simple saving and spending plan.

On Fridays…Be aware that creativity tends to be messy. So teach children how to deal calmly and efficiently with the inevitable messes that are part of the creative process. Show them how to cut paper over a wastebasket or cover working surfaces with newspaper before starting to paint. Let children know that cleaning up after themselves is part of the creative process.

On Saturdays… Keep in mind that children get their first impression of God from their relationship with their parents. Constant unrealistic demands from a parent can have a bad affect on children’s spiritual development, building a sense of failure and false guilt. As adults, these children often reject God as non-existent or view God as a stern, distant being whom they must constantly placate.